reason for disappearance? two years of full-time graduate school - elementary special education, focus on autism; just graduated reason for return? to share what i've learned about myself in the last few years - including the journey into and through grad school. there's the usual fear, disappointment, disillusionment, loneliness, and dread...and then all of a sudden bits of empowerment, contentment, joy, and happiness started showing up. when those more lovely things used to creep in (as though they did not belong) i did not know what to do with them, so i recoiled...and they disappeared. these days it seems to me that i am ready to treat them differently. maybe they'll stick around a bit longer. the last post was written quite long ago and ended with a reference to a tornado. well, said tornado actually swept me up and carried me away. at least it was gentle with me, depositing me in an entirely different place, completely off the grid compared to the 'old country'. i have no access to the old country anymore, besides memories. while i do sometimes long for the comfort of old patterns and reactions (defenses, survival mode, root chakrum, my old Self), they no longer fit and i find i get tired of engaging with them. weird. when i want to change part of my world, i start with intentions, thoughts. then i add details. then actions. two years ago, i had to add something else: prayer. allowed God/Universe to lead the way. got my ego out of the way. i realized that for all my actions and intentions (from a place of arrogance - never a good thing), i was exhausted. i was seeking professional stability and had not been able to achieve that no matter how many ventures i launched...prayer, for me, always requires surrender. total surrender. giving up control was quite difficult considering i had not yet acknowledged that i WANTED to be in control. so after all that was resolved (now flippant, though it was a hell of a process at the time), prayer. two years of training was one answer to my prayers. the next answer was a blossoming, stable relationship that started before graduate school (parallel lessons in surrender for more than 2 years now) - first ever as an adult. my graduation gift was to move in with him (aka "bf"). and that is my new beginning. all this change from prayer and allowing whatever God/Universe has designed for me. where there was arrogance, i now allow. it requires a hell of a change in thinking and feels like i'm learning how to do it the first time every single time i do it. but it's worth it, so i will continue to practice doing it. yes, this means i fail all the time - that is my judgment, that i haven't mastered it so i must be failing. more allowing. more practicing. maybe it will get easier someday. a girl can hope.